


The Snogging Theory

by thebluewritingbench



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, General Chaos, Humor, Kinda, Like an honest to god dumbass, M/M, Making Out, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Remus is fed up, Satire, Sexual Frustration, Sirius is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26348917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluewritingbench/pseuds/thebluewritingbench
Summary: From years of experience snogging in dark closets, Sirius develops a theory: snogging is something that's a done as pastime, as the next logical step in a relationship. After a week of arguing, Remus decides it's high time to prove him wrong - however possible.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 208





	The Snogging Theory

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! I posted this story on Fanfic.net back in 2018 under a different alias, but was thinking it would probably make more sense in the context of this account than that one. So if by some magic someone happened to see it over there at some point, no I didn't steal it. (Do people do that? idk.) Also this seemed like a good way to figure out the inner workings of ao3, which I have lurked on for years but never posted on. Also I haven't reread this since like 2018 and I didn't want to reread it before posting so lol hope it's good.   
> Anyways. Sirius is a whole dumbass bitch in this, and I love that for him, so I hope you enjoy!!

The argument started on a Monday.

It was over breakfast, in the early spring of their sixth year, and Remus watched Sirius spread generous amounts of marmalade on his toast while he spoke. 

"Look," said Sirius, waving his knife in the air and spattering his friends with bits of marmalade. "I'm not saying that snogging people is a bad thing, I'm just saying that people don't do it because they enjoy it. Because it's just really not something that you enjoy doing."

Remus and James exchanged an incredulous look across the table. "Pads, I'm really not sure that's true—" James started, but Sirius cut him off.

"No, James, it is, trust me, I've snogged enough people to know." He looked so indignant, pointing his toast at James, that Remus snorted and Sirius turned his glare on him. "Don't you snort at me, Moony."

"Okay, I'll bite." Peter leaned forwards, and there were crumbs hanging from the few sparse hairs on his upper lip. None of them had told him that he should shave yet. "If people don't do it because they enjoy it, why do people snog each other? I don't really see any other good reason."

Sirius smacked his glass down on the table, leaning forward intently. "Well you see, my dear Wormtail, people snog each other for one specific reason. After they've been on a few dates, they start to feel pressured to succumb to this weird custom that our kind has invented, and they will snog because it's simply the next step in the relationship. I'm telling you, it's much more interesting to get caught snogging someone than it is to actually do it."

"So that's your theory?" Remus asked, reaching for another pancake across the table and biting into it as he spoke. "That people only snog because it's the next logical step in a relationship?"

Sirius nodded vigorously, clearly pleased that someone understood. "It's like taking care of someone when they're sick. You don't do it because you like doing it. You do it because it's what comes next."

Of course, Remus knew all the rumours about Sirius Black. When you were best friends with someone your ears picked up their name whenever it was mentioned. So Remus knew. He knew that Sirius was late to transfiguration on Wednesday because he was snogging Marlene McKinnon in a broom closet. He knew that the reason no one could find him on Friday night was that he had Emmeline Vance pushed up against the wall of a hidden corridor.

Knowing all of this, Remus had also heard all of the sob stories that Sirius had snogged into existence. Over supper one evening he overheard Marlene whining about how Sirius just hadn't seemed interested in her, even when she bit her lip as seductively as she could and let him put his hand up her shirt. Coming out of the bathroom between classes, he'd heard Emmeline telling Mary Macdonald that Sirius was simply impossible to turn on. No matter what you whispered in his ear or how far you said you'd go or where you put your hands, he stayed cool and collected and indifferent. Sirius Black caused heartbreak left and right, it was no secret.

What Remus hadn't known was the reason for all of this. His initial personal reasoning had seemed quite obvious to him, at the time: Sirius liked to play hard-to-get. He liked to lead the girls on, put on that oh-so-desirable bad boy, bit-of-an-arsehole persona that made you itch to change him, or at least make him squirm a bit. But from the intent way that Sirius was staring at him across the table at the moment, Remus realized the problem might be something else entirely.

"Okay, what on earth are you talking about?" James said, smacking his hands down on the table and voicing Remus' thoughts. "Mate, I think you're kissing people wrong. You're supposed to enjoy it, and I'm pretty sure you're supposed to feel something—there. Don't tell me you've never imagined snogging someone and it enjoyed it."

Sirius' eyes flitted uncomfortably over to Remus, who was watching the exchange with an amused smirk. "I mean, yeah, I guess. Just in practice, it's not the same."

"He's probably just snogging the wrong people." Peter had started on a second bowl of oatmeal and talked with brown sugar seeping out the corners of his mouth. "I reckon if he kept snogging girls he'd find one that convinced him he's wrong."

"What would you know, Peter," Sirius snapped crossly. "You've never snogged anyone."

Peter looked hurt, but James leaned in and lowered his voice. "Well I have, and I'll tell you now that I have enjoyed it. And that there are people who I would sell an arm to snog because I know that I would enjoy it." His eyes flickered momentarily across the table to where Lily Evans was chatting cheerfully with Emmeline Vance, an action Remus did not miss.

Sirius looked over at Remus, his expression somewhere between distress and pleading. "Moony, you're on my side, right? I know you've snogged a girl or two in your life, tell me my theory is right!"

Sympathetically, Remus shrugged. "Sorry Pads, I think I have to side with James on this one."

Sirius looked back at James, something near desperation in his eyes, and then over at Peter, who shrugged. Huffing indignantly, he scooped his bag up and glared at the lot of them. "Fine, if you're all going to disagree with me, I'm going to go to potions by myself. And don't expect me to help you today, because you've done nothing but disrespect me."

He untangled himself from the bench and stomped off across the hall, ignoring the eyes that trailed him. Remus rolled his eyes and exchanged a look with James, who had started to gather his things.

"I'll go after him," James said, starting to pick up his bag. 

Remus put out a hand. "No, let me. You'll just argue with him make him more unbearable."

James nodded, putting his bag down again as Remus carefully extracted himself from his seat at the table and retrieved his own bag from under the bench.

"Tell him that if he's late to potions again Slughorn'll put us both in detention, so he better hurry it up," James called after him.

Remus grabbed an orange and dropped it into his bag for the road, nodding at James as he went. Peter waved goodbye cheerfully through his porridge.

It didn't take Remus long to find Sirius—over the years he had memorized all of the places that his friend went when he was in the mood to sulk, and it only took him two attempts to find the one that Sirius had selected on the given occasion. He was seated in the top row of the Quidditch pitch, slumped down in his chair with his arms crossed, in the exact middle of the Gryffindor section. Out on the pitch, a lone figure was circling on a broom, and Remus recognized a flash of Hufflepuff yellow. He sat down beside Sirius in silence and pulled out his orange, peeling it quickly and handing half to Sirius, who took it moodily. For a few moments, they ate the orange in silence, watching as the Hufflepuff seeker looped around and around the pitch.

"Do you think it's because there's something wrong with me, Moony?" Sirius asked finally, sounding rather like he'd been holding it in for a while. "Am I snogging wrong or just—not good at it, or is there something else wrong with me?"

Remus said nothing for a moment, watching as the seeker leaned on his broom and did a barrel roll. "Have you ever genuinely wanted to snog someone and not been disgusted or anything when you imagined it?"

Sirius seemed to ponder it for a moment, and when he answered his cheeks were pink. "Of course I have."

"Then there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't snogged the right person yet."

"You're sure?"

"Of course I am."

Apparently satisfied, Sirius leapt to his feet. "Right, so I guess I'll just have to snog more girls, like Peter said. I know a few that have been dropping me hints for months, I'll give them a try, see if any of them know a thing about snogging."

He started off through the rows with his bag slung over his shoulder, and rolling his eyes, Remus followed, vaulting over a row to catch up. "I don't know if that's the best way to go about it…"

"If I'm going to do the unavoidable snogging part of the relationship, might as well try and find myself a witch who knows what she's doing. Hey, what about Charity something, that fifth year? I'll need your help with that one, I think, Moony. She never talks to me but she giggles every time I go by so I reckon if you just talk to her for me she'll meet me in a cupboard or something."

"You're awful Pads, you're just going to snog her twice and get bored with her and leave her devastated."

"That's not true!" Sirius protested. "I'm sure that she'll snog well and that will be that."

* * *

Needless to say, that was not that.

Sirius had abandoned Charity by Monday night. On Tuesday, he snogged four different girls in various semi-private locations across the school. On Wednesday, the number doubled. By Thursday, the rumours were raging through the school like wildfire, passing through whispers in the back of Transfiguration and discussions in the loos. Sirius Black, it was told, would snog just about anyone who found him near the eighth-floor broom closet. Either he was already inside kissing someone, or he would show up and any girl who wanted could have a go.

It shouldn't have shocked Remus, how many girls of the school wanted to have a turn with Sirius Black. How many of them wanted to push their fingers into that luscious black hair or press him up against some secluded wall. It was somewhat understandable, but that didn't make it any less irritating.

At breakfast on Friday, Remus watched Sirius across the table slowly pour cream into his porridge, tapping his fingers on the table until he could take it no more.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" he burst, and Sirius looked up in surprise.

"Pouring cream into my oatmeal?"

James and Peter were looking at him too, now, and Remus had to close his eyes to prevent himself from growling in frustration. "Not with the porridge Sirius, with all the girls! What are you doing?"

Sirius shrugged indifferently, which somehow annoyed Remus more. "I'm trying to see if I can find a girl in this bloody school who knows how to kiss. I'm trying stuff out, having some fun."

"I'm sorry, but you are obviously not having fun."

Sirius gave a scoff. "Yeah, like you'd know anything about it. Face it, Moony, you're a prude. You're just jealous that I'm getting some action and you're not."

"That's low, Pads. It's also not even true, there is no way I'm jealous of all the mouth herpes you're probably getting from snogging fifteen girls a day." 

The cream in Sirius porridge was overflowing, and James and Peter were watching the whole exchange with varying degrees of horrified glee.

"Well at least I'd rather be doing that than snogging books all day like you do. No wonder you've never had a girlfriend, everyone thinks you're already exclusive!" shot Sirius.

"Sirius, mate, calm down a little," James tried to intervene, putting a hand on Sirius' arm, but Sirius was having none of it and shook him off.

"No, both of you, just forget it alright? It's really none of your business, I wouldn't even tell you about if I didn't know you'd all find out anyway, so just bugger off, okay?"

The other three had a silent arguing match while Sirius calmly ate the rest of his porridge, but nothing prevailed and they spent the rest of breakfast in silence.

Remus tried not to be too hurt by Sirius' words—he probably didn't mean them, he just said silly things in the heat of the moment—but it still sent a spike of anger through Remus' chest every time he watched Sirius emerge from a broom closet or into the dorms smirking after another round of his fun.

He clearly wasn't having fun, though, and Remus could see it. No one who wasn't desperate would do anything like this. If he was enjoying it, he should be coming back to the dorm in the evening with flushed cheeks and a big grin or anything other than the positively bored expression that still hadn't left his face. By Friday, even Filch the caretaker had caught wind of the doings of Sirius Black, and he was evicted from his broom closet on the eighth floor. He quickly relocated to a hidden corridor down on the second floor and was at it again, between every class, before dinner, while the rest of their marauders did their homework in the common room and planned out their next prank.

On Saturday, a fourth year whose name Remus did not know struck up a conversation with him in the common room, leaning across the armrest of her cushy chair and speaking in a low voice.

"Your friend Sirius Black is a fantastic kisser," she gushed, and Remus raised an uncomfortable eyebrow.

"Oh?"

"Yes!" She giggled, high and obnoxious, and Remus pursed his lips. "My friend dared me to take a go at it with him the other day and I was so glad that I did because it was bloody magical." She giggled again. Her teeth were crooked. "This is going to sound silly, but, um, has he mentioned me? I just feel like we really had something, you know, so if he's said anything—"

Remus left the conversation there with a loud sigh and a dramatic eye roll, stalking across the room and up the flight of stairs to his dormitory to seek a bit of peace and quiet from everyone chattering in the common room.

So the problem wasn't that Sirius didn't know how to kiss, apparently, unless the girl in the common room had no standards whatsoever. It had to be something else then, something that explained Sirius' bloody theory and everything else ridiculous that had happened in the last week.

He was surprised to find Sirius lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, playing with a pendant that was hung around his neck. It was a small dog on a string, and James had given it to him ironically the last Christmas. Remus wasn't sure if he'd taken it off since. Remus stopped in the doorway to watch him for a moment, staring flatly at the ceiling. For a moment, he almost understood what all the girls saw in him, in the black hair splayed across the bed and the dark eyes and the delicate lips.

Then Remus remembered that he was still furious with Sirius, and barged into the room as loudly as he could. He threw his books down on his bed, watching as Sirius jerked up from whatever he'd been thinking about and stared at him in surprise.

"Mate, this has got to stop." Remus plopped down on Sirius' bed beside him, and Sirius blinked. "I have no idea what you're trying to prove, but I got harassed by a fourth year who thought that you two were falling in love. Are you falling in love with a fourth year?"

From the expression on Sirius' face, he clearly had no idea who Remus was talking about, which answered the question entirely on its own.

Remus nodded. "See, there you go. What is this all about, anyway? Is this still about your stupid theory?"

Sirius crossed his arms and exhaled, looking at the wall like he wanted Remus to go away. When he didn't, Sirius rolled his eyes and responded. "I've been conducting… experiments to try and prove my hypothesis, and clearly all I've received so far is confirmation of what I already knew. Snogging people is not something people do for the enjoyment of it, just as a pastime, and it's clear how many people in this school need a pastime."

Remus raised his hands in frustration and dropped them back down on the bed. "Did your parents never kiss when you were a child? Have you never seen anyone you knew who was in love snogging ever, Sirius?"

"Of course I saw my parents kiss." Sirius was indignant. "And they never looked like they enjoyed it, either. Always like they were forcing themselves to do the logical next step in a relationship and all."

"Pads—"

"No," said Sirius, scrambling off the bed. "I don't need this. You can be very judgemental, did you know that Moony? So far, my theory has only been proven right so if I feel like indulging in my pastime I will and if I don't I won't. That should be the end of it."

He darted out the door of the dorm and slammed it shut behind him.

* * *

On Sunday, Sirius disappeared completely. Remus looked in all the usual sulking spots and found them all bare. He walked past the broom closet on the eighth floor to find a crowd of giggling girls, standing around in little clumps and wondering if they would catch a glimpse of the elusive Sirius Black. He wasn't by the secret corridor on the second floor, either, and Remus had to dart down a different corridor to avoid a completely new gaggle of girls that seemed to have decided to sit on the floor and against the wall until Sirius' potential return.

Every time he turned a corner, there seemed to be a new girl running up to him and questioning him on Sirius' whereabouts and whether or not he was going to be at any of his usual haunts today or not. Growing tired of the constant questions, Remus escaped to the library and buried himself in amongst the shelves. He wandered down an empty aisle, running his fingers across the spines of the books and searching for an interesting title.

"Oh, hi Moony."

His head snapped up. There was Sirius, sitting innocently at the end of the aisle with a large book on his lap and his hair flopping into his eyes. Looking at him, something in Remus snapped and he marched down the aisle and snatched the book out of a shocked Sirius' hand.

"Okay, enough is enough, you're coming with me."

It was a split second decision, really. Sirius stumbled behind him, clearly stunned as Remus dragged him through the shelves by the wrist. Remus didn't even start to question the decision until they were in a tiny, secluded corner of the library, surrounded by shelves that nearly reached the ceiling and completely out of view of anyone. Sirius glanced around, confused.

"Remus, what—?"

His eyebrows shot up as Remus came closer, and he backed away until he was pressed up against the dusty shelves. There was something near alarm in his eyes, some foreign expression that Remus couldn't quite put a name to. As he cornered Sirius, watched his eyes flick down and up, he realized what it was.

He was making Sirius nervous. It gave him an irrational surge of pride to know that he could do that, after a week of watching Sirius brush off girls indifferently. Screw all of the girls with their lip-biting and seductive hands. He could make Sirius nervous with nothing more than a simple look. He put his hands on either side of Sirius and leaned against the shelves, his mouth set in a hard line.

Sirius swallowed, and Remus watched his throat bob. "Remus, what—what are you doing?

If he didn't do this now, he would lose his nerve completely. He could already feel the fluttering of panic somewhere in his stomach but he ignored it, because Sirius was standing in front of him, hands pressed against the books and lips parted slightly in obvious unease. An entire week of watching him snog every girl in sight had driven him half mad, and he wasn't backing down now.

Sirius was shorter than him. When they were this close he had to tilt his head up just to look Remus in the eyes. Remus kind of liked it. "Either you're doing something wrong, or no one who's ever snogged you has any clue what they're doing, so I'm going to help you with your theory."

Sirius' eyes flitted to Remus' lips again, and back. He licked his lips and blinked those long eyelashes. "How—how exactly?"

Remus was so close that he could feel Sirius' breath on his nose. He could feel his heart in his chest, a butterfly caught in a net. He could hear the voice in his head screaming at him that this wasn't something that he did.

But today was a day for crushing regularities. "By proving you wrong."

And with some burst of courage he didn't know he had, Remus leaned forwards and kissed Sirius.

He wasn't exactly sure what he expected to happen. Maybe for Sirius to shove him off. Possibly for Sirius to freeze up completely and stare at him in horror. Perhaps he would even smack him.

What he wasn't expecting was for Sirius to respond almost instantly, bringing his hands up around Remus' neck and kissing him back.

It wasn't like it had been something brewing in the back of Remus' mind the whole time. He didn't think about Sirius that way, he didn't imagine scenarios like this late at night when he should be sleeping. It had been a spur-of-the-moment thing, a sudden reaction to a week of built up frustration. So why did he know exactly what he wanted to do, like shove his hands through Sirius' hair and pull him closer, or feel his mouth against stubbled jaw. He heard Sirius give some sort of little whimper and grinned at the sound of it.

They crashed back against the bookshelf for support, uncaring as the books they elbowed in their haste tumbled off the shelves and clattered to the floor. Remus could feel Sirius' hands, raking up his back and in his hair and across his chest. Nails, digging into his scalp to pull him closer. Remus was vaguely aware of Sirius' fingers on his shirt buttons and the top few had come undone, but he was too engrossed in all the sensations of his hands and his mouth and his body against Sirius to care. His heart was pounding against Sirius'.

He wasn't even sure if it had been something he wanted, but it didn't seem to matter now.

When Sirius finally pulled away, staggering backwards a step and falling against the bookshelf for support, he was panting with wide eyes. Remus saw, with a rush of satisfaction, the bright flush across Sirius' cheekbones, and knew that he had accomplished something.

Because this was not the cool, indifferent Sirius that all the witches tried to please.

No, this was Remus' Sirius, and he had responded exactly how he was supposed to.

"There," Remus spat between breaths. "A pastime, right? Not something people enjoy. Alright if you're bored, but overall useless and pointless and—"

He was cut off when Sirius lurched forwards, wrapping his hands around the back of Remus' neck and kissing him hard.

The second time was even better, mouths hot and heavy against each other. He moaned, almost involuntarily, Sirius' name into his mouth. Sirius pinned him back against the bookshelf again, and dust bloomed up between them as Remus grabbed onto a shelf for support. Sirius had his lips were on Remus's neck, trailing damp kisses down to his collarbone, hot breath fanning against sticky skin and all that Remus could think was that he had proved the stupid theory wrong.

Remus felt a rush of accomplishment wash over him as Sirius kissed him. All of these girls had lined up all week to see if they could make Sirius squirm and not a single one of them had succeeded, and yet here he was, snogging Sirius Black against a library shelf, of all places, and doing an absolutely stellar job of it.

They broke apart again at last, and Sirius slid down the bookshelf and onto the floor with a little whimper. Remus' legs felt wobbly, and unsupported his knees gave out and he collapsed down beside Sirius. He ran a hand through his hair, still breathing heavily, and started to laugh.

Sirius joined in, huffing out a laugh and leaning his head back against the shelf so that all Remus could see was his stubbled neck. His face was red and Remus watched the deep rise and fall of his chest victoriously.

He crawled forwards until he was sitting right beside Sirius against the bookshelf and looked over his friend, eyebrows raised. "So, any updates on the theory now? Your hypothesis unchanged?"

"Okay," panted Sirius, relenting, and Remus couldn't stop the grin that spread over his face. "Okay, you proved your point. It's not just—I mean, you definitely—man, girls are terrible at snogging!"

Remus laughed again, disbelieving. "Pads, I really don't think that's what the issue was."

His breath still uneven, Sirius tilted his head so that he could look Remus in the eye and grinned widely. "Maybe not."

They sat in silence, letting the distant sounds of muffled library chatter wash over them, both catching their breath against the shelves. Eventually, Sirius sat up straighter and looked over at Remus, his eyes alight.

"You know, I might need some more evidence before I come up with a conclusion for this whole theory."

"Yeah?" Remus asked, still leaning against the shelf. Sirius shimmied over until their legs were touching and grinned at him with hooded eyes.

"Sure. After all, it is a great pastime."

Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed Sirius' face in one hand, the other still against the ground for support. "You're a moron."

And then he pulled him back in.


End file.
